I did it. In a fit of desperate loneliness I recently rejoined the shamed ranks of online daters.
I had used online dating in the past and received mixed success, so on a whim I figured that, at approximately two years since my last romantic encounter, now was a good time to give it another try. I've got everything I need: A profile at a popular (free) dating website, sexy pics, and a charmingly quirky introductory paragraph.
Now all that is left is to send out some messages that indicate my interest to the lady types and go from there... Which brings me to the point of this topic:
I can't turn off my inner internet idiot when writing notes to attractive women! You all know my sense of humor, so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The "Cowboy's Butts Drive Me Nuts" thing doesn't fly when you are trying to impress a ladyfolk, and as much as I realize that fact I still can't help but go with the cheap joke.
And so, for your viewing pleasure, I am going to chronicle my efforts to find love and acceptance while using some of the most absurd pick up lines you will have ever read. Every one of these messages will be real and mostly unedited. Blue denotes that the message is coming from me while red will denote the chick's reply, if indeed she even bothers to do so.
First, a quick note on my process: Just like if I wasn't an idiot when writing these things, I like to pick one or two specific things to write about from a chick's profile. In theory, this shows them that I took the time to actually read whatever garbage they wrote about themselves and am not just trying to ask for quick and dirty sexytime after seeing their picture. However, unlike a normal message that might practice this good behavior, my messages quickly get really weird, as you will soon find out.
First up, we have "Kayla". Kayla is an attractive twenty something who is studying to become an ultrasound technician. Immediately after reading that, I knew what I was going to write to her about.
ME:
How goes it, Kayla?
What first got you interested in ultrasound technology? If I was to go into medical imaging, I think I'd go into full body x-ray examination, just for the fun variety of cases that would pop up and the chance to say "you got an entire potato stuck WHERE?!".
Cheers!
That was two weeks ago. No reply yet, but I remain hopeful that I woo'd her with my knowledge of vegetable insertions.
Next up, we have Allison. Allison is an extremely religious, goody two shoes type (which I have nothing against). I was having a hard time finding something to write to her about, when I chanced upon a little section of her profile where she mentions being addicted to movies in a series. Once she sees Harry Potter 1, she can't rest until she has seen Harry Potter 7, or whatever the case. I had my in! She also mentions a love for board games. I can work with that...
ME:
How goes it, Allison?
I see that you enjoy watching movies with sequels, and that once you see the first movie in a series you are compelled to watch the rest. I totally get that! Just last week I saw the film Space Booty Patrol 1, and I just couldn't rest until I finished the series with Space Booty Patrol 6 (even though the series clearly peaked with Space Booty Patrol 3)*.
Cheers! Have a good holiday.
*: I was torn between going with this porn joke or talking about board games. In the interest of sounding like less of a nerd I went with the porn joke. I regret nothing. What do you think: Good or bad call on that one?**
**: Who are we kidding? You loved it!
Yet again, no reply yet.
Stay tuned for more as I humiliate myself further!
Imho the potato humour was killer.
She hasn't replied because she's a) had her computer stolen, b) been kidnapped, c) died.
There's no other explanation man.
Quote from: BackupLight on June 05, 2012, 12:24:17 AM
Imho the potato humour was killer.
She hasn't replied because she's a) had her computer stolen, b) been kidnapped, c) died.
There's no other explanation man.
I like to think that maybe she got offended because the joke landed a little too close to home. She may have, at the very moment of reading my message, been in an uncomfortable position with a yukon gold.
Clearly we have different taste in women, shakes, as my signature here can attest.
Quote from: Handshakes on June 04, 2012, 11:44:12 PM
I regret nothing.
(http://post.cloudfront.goodinc.com/EmbeddedImage/5542/org_Congrats.gif)
I think online dating services are great, considering most of the US population probably spends more time socializing online than actually in person publicly. A couple friends of mine have even found their current husband/wife through online dating.
Don't worry, Shakes. Just keep casting that weird net and I'm sure you'll catch a freak fish that loves you in all your cowboy butt glory.
Something different for today.
Today we have Nicole. Nicole is one of those new age hippy types. She even claims to work at a "world peace" organization, which I'm guessing means McDonalds. Still, she's nerdy, hot, and receptive. Additionally, this time she actually messaged me first! Yup, she came to me primed and ready. Let's see how I handle it.
HER:
awesome main profile pic, well written and witty profile :).
ME:
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
How goes that whole world peace thing? I worked at a world peace joint once, but they weren't ready for my groundbreaking giant robot army ideas.
The fools... They laughed at me then, but we'll see who is the one laughing when they are face to eye with a giant robot eye-spider! With lasers!
No reply...
One more:
This is Gabby. Gabby has a heart of gold, and she helps her mother take care of her disabled sister. She is good people. Naturally, I don't focus on that. Instead, what I focus in on is where she admits to secretly writing "extremely adult fiction" that none of her close friends or family know about.
ME:
Hey, how goes it? I, too, write extremely adult fiction. For my part, I've been writing a six-part epic My Little Pony slashfiction. I've been mailing each new chapter to the show writers, along with toenail clippings and various parts of dead birds that I find, in order to show them my appreciation for their craft. So far I've received only legal threats in reply, but I think that I'm slowly winning them over. We should compare notes some time!
Sadly, there would be no note comparing.
HAHAHA
In semi-seriousness, you should contact ms. 'world peace' in a few days if she hasn't responded. Ask her out for some onion root smoothies or whatever those people are into.
Quote from: nCogNeato on June 07, 2012, 02:26:43 PM
HAHAHA
In semi-full seriousness, you should contact ms. 'world peace' in a few days if she hasn't responded. Ask her out for some "bath salts" onion root smoothies or whatever those people are into.
;)
Thanks, Zero. You always got my back. ;)
i'd marry you shakes but the commute would kill our love, perhaps i'll just admire you from afar (through my telescope)
LULZ
Quote from: Failed on June 08, 2012, 10:59:19 AM
i'd marry you shakes but the commute would kill our love, perhaps i'll just admire you from afar (through my telescope)
That might be the best offer I've had so far. If I come to Britland will you be my sugar daddy and take care of me? I make a great (naughty) housekeeper.
i'd better get pinny shopping then
Can i be the ring bearer? ;D
This is without doubt the strangest thread I have ever seen on here!
Quote from: Jaynestown on June 10, 2012, 05:48:45 PM
This is without doubt the strangest thread I have ever seen on here!
Mission Accomplished!
I trust 'Shakes will navigate his way without too much collateral damage, as long as he remembers to wear protection at all times...
[spoiler=In case of emergency, click "Spoiler"](http://img.uphaa.com/uploads/667/wtf_wtf_(20)_uphaa_com.jpg)
....especially in the land of Failed.[/spoiler]
Quote from: nCogNeato on June 07, 2012, 06:30:02 PM
Thanks, Zero. You always got my back. ;)
(http://www.cannotbetamed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/goose.jpg)
Next up, Tracey! Traceyis an anime nerd girl whose profile screams ADHD. She wanders from one topic to another, making it hard for me to single out a detail to write to her about. Eventually, however, I settle on a simple line: "I love robots". She also mentions that she likes the game Blazblue and the cartoon Sailor Moon.
ME:
Heya Tracey, how goes it?
I see that you are into robots. Me too! In fact, I'm so into robots that I've been banned from setting foot into the Hoover Vacuum store ever again. I hear you say, "was that a weird sex vacuum joke? How bold!". Why yes, yes it was a weird sex vacuum joke! And stop talking into your monitor, nobody can hear you. Instead you should totally message me back to tell me how much you admire my sex vacuum jokes. Other topics may include: "Just what the hell is 'bubble tea' anyway?"; "Why did they make Carl so useless in Blazblue?"; Or, my favorite, "Seriously? Sailor Moon?".
Cheers!
A reply? Whaaaaaaa?
HER:
Hello i'm good, you?
Robots are pretty cool, how did that happen?
Its pretty funny, when ever I talk to one of my best friends online and if they were eating it was always a must to tell them to email me what they were eating and when they said they cant I always refer then to stuff food in their pc's disk drive xD because i'm weird like that. Bubble tea is a Asian drink that can come in many flavors and they have this little bubble jell type thing at the bottom of the cup. I think because they already had someone so epic that they needed someone useless to throw it. Sailor moon is amazing but I have a huge thing of magical girls and I grew up watching it xD
Awful grammar and sentence structure aside, she actually answered all of my dumb questions (even though it seems like she didn't understand the vacuum joke). What should I do next?
ME:
I'm grand, thanks.
I like your story about the food in the cd drive. I actually stuff food into my computer's dvd drive on a fortnightly basis. You see, my computer became sentient about a year ago. Naturally, at first I was excited by this miraculous event, but it soon became clear that something was wrong with my conscious computer: It turns out that my computer is possessed by evil spirits. My computer now demands a ritual sacrifice and food (and of course I obey out of fear and awe). And by food I mean human flesh. Usually I get it from a dead hooker, but occasionally a hobo will find his way in there.
The worst part is the candles. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find 5 black candles to form a pentagram (inside of which I slaughter the impure to be fed to my computer god)? Luckily, my computer master isn't too picky and I've resorted to using scented yankee candles on occasion (the demon computer's favorite is pumpkin spice).
So, what about you? Do you have an evil computer overlord that demands ritual blood sacrifices?
Response pending...
Quote from: Handshakes on June 23, 2012, 04:03:24 AM
Response pending...
Crikey, if she responds to that I think you should marry her!!!
i think you may have gone overboard shakes, mentioning ritual scrifice after only your 2nd date/message is a given no-no.
i think you should ask if she had to have one thing replaced by robotics what it would be?
Quote from: Failed on June 23, 2012, 10:20:34 AM
i think you may have gone overboard shakes, mentioning ritual scrifice after only your 2nd date/message is a given no-no.
i think you should ask if she had to have one thing replaced by robotics what it would be?
Damn, you're right. I wish I was as suave as you, Failed.
Ahh internet dating. I would say that this thread is strange, but after being underway on submarines for so many years, nothing really surprises me anymore lol. On a serious note, I met my wife online and years later things are still great. Good luck!
I think Shakes has a checklist that he's sticking to here, good on ya it's great reading :)
After all is said and done by years end we could have the definitive guide to online dating penned by the Shakemeister, hell gimme 2 copies:)
Quote from: Windedprism on June 26, 2012, 04:27:43 PM
I think Shakes has a checklist that he's sticking to here, good on ya it's great reading :)
After all is said and done by years end we could have the definitive guide to online dating penned by the Shakemeister, hell gimme 2 copies:)
Ahh...just a thought, title for said guide: "'Shakes' Spear In Love..."
Read into that what you will...;)
lol ''shakes' spear potentially in love''
Let's get to this quick, shall we?
The target: Mellissa.
The attribute: "I like to hang out with my dogs" (speaking of her two pugs).
ME:
Greetings Melissa, how goes it?
When you say you like to chill with your dogs, do you mean canine dogs or dogs of the d-o-double-g variety? For I too have been known to chill with my doggs on many a splendid occasion, and I always am sure to pour a little out for my fallen comrades. Indeed, I have even spent more than my share of time hitting a lick on some bricks and then going ham on it.*
(See what I did there? Mixing in proper English with the urban slang? Genius.)
Ciao!
*P.S.: I have no idea precisely what it is that I just wrote. I can only hope that reading it was as uncomfortable for you as writing it was for me.
HER:
canine dogs (pugs).
ME:
Oh. Well... Alright then.
HER:
yea
ME:
I mean, I gave you an entire postscript. A postscript! All I get is three words, one of which is a parenthetical?
How about some applause for my generous wordsmithing? It deserves a polite golf clap, at the least.
HER:
*golf claps* that better?
ME:
Why yes, yes it is.
By the bye, pugs are pretty much universally acknowledged to be the lamest dogs ever. So there.
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not :)
Quote from: Windedprism on June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not :)
I may have had her up until the point where I called her dogs stupid.
Quote from: Handshakes on July 02, 2012, 12:58:20 AM
Quote from: Windedprism on June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not :)
I may have had her up until the point where I called her dogs stupid.
In all fairness, you called her dogs "lame" not "stupid" - there's a difference. ;) She shouldn't have been so butt-hurt over it....
Maybe they really are lame who knows :)
Quote from: Handshakes on June 30, 2012, 09:19:37 PM
Let's get to this quick, shall we?
The target: Mellissa.
The attribute: "I like to hang out with my dogs" (speaking of her two pugs).
ME:
Greetings Melissa, how goes it?
When you say you like to chill with your dogs, do you mean canine dogs or dogs of the d-o-double-g variety? For I too have been known to chill with my doggs on many a splendid occasion, and I always am sure to pour a little out for my fallen comrades. Indeed, I have even spent more than my share of time hitting a lick on some bricks and then going ham on it.*
(See what I did there? Mixing in proper English with the urban slang? Genius.)
Ciao!
*P.S.: I have no idea precisely what it is that I just wrote. I can only hope that reading it was as uncomfortable for you as writing it was for me.
HER:
canine dogs (pugs).
ME:
Oh. Well... Alright then.
HER:
yea
ME:
I mean, I gave you an entire postscript. A postscript! All I get is three words, one of which is a parenthetical?
How about some applause for my generous wordsmithing? It deserves a polite golf clap, at the least.
HER:
*golf claps* that better?
ME:
Why yes, yes it is.
By the bye, pugs are pretty much universally acknowledged to be the lamest dogs ever. So there.
Awww, you're first lover's spat.
Quote from: zerosum on July 02, 2012, 03:25:16 AM
Quote from: Handshakes on July 02, 2012, 12:58:20 AM
Quote from: Windedprism on June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not :)
I may have had her up until the point where I called her dogs stupid.
In all fairness, you called her dogs "lame" not "stupid" - there's a difference. ;) She shouldn't have been so butt-hurt over it....
#butthurt
With 'Shakes in mind - ;) [Bad Romance (http://kotaku.com/5926857/bad-romance-the-terrible-world-of-video-game-dating-sites)]