As some of you may be aware, i'm always putting random jokes in my facebook status, as is Tara, so i thought why not create a thread for us all to post our favourite jokes, videos, quotes etc and maybe the not so funny ones :)
i'll post a few silly ones to get us going, you've probably heard them before, but here goes
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim...'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the f**k out of here!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
nice ;D
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious..
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying that you 'didn't' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer and I'm not saying that you 'don't' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, 'There's trouble still.'
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.
But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to pappy.
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)
:D
Great reads. Both surprised me.
i liked the top one about the ladle.
yeah, everyone likes a good ladle joke.
Oh racer your funny. I love your jokes :D
Danka! :-*
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank!
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks
her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While
the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can
only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you,"
he says, still dazed.
"Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really
long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"
She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to
form in his eyes, and says,
"You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
I'll be the stamp collector!
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake........
Quote from: Kyuubi on March 09, 2010, 08:42:05 PM
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake........
short & sweet, I like!
Quote from: Kyuubi on March 09, 2010, 08:42:05 PM
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake........
Awesome!!
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absoute mystery as to why though?
The plot thickens...
Whats the diff between your wife and your job?
After 10 years your job still sucks
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute
When I was a kid use used to really look up to my dad, he was a boxer.
Mum was an border collie.
;D
An old joke for you and one I used in my facebook status a while back :)
A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
Quote from: Kyuubi on March 10, 2010, 08:37:30 PM
When I was a kid use used to really look up to my dad, he was a boxer.
Mum was an border collie.
;D
your parents sound like a couple of real dogs!
Quote from: GamerMan316 on March 10, 2010, 08:56:42 PM
An old joke for you and one I used in my facebook status a while back :)
A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
the classics are the best!
A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered
sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
"What's for dinner?
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single...'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could
have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly. '
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London policeman, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"
"No sir," the policeman replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the pool balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?''No, what?''He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!''Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?''No, what?' replied the man.'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
Who was the biggest slut in history?
Ms. Pac Man. For 10p that bitch swallowed balls until she died!
:D
wehay!!! jokes straight from the 80's
A G B N
That's bang out of order.....
Quote from: Kyuubi on March 27, 2010, 02:00:56 PM
A G B N
That's bang out of order.....
had that as my facebook status ages ago, love it ;D
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
That guy ain't gettin' any tonight! ;D
Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon.
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
I'm gonna post the Harvey joke that I ran by Sambo & Tara before Christmas, Sambo said put it in my facebook status, Tara said don't, I did ;D
Katie Price asks Harvey what he wants to be when he's older, Harvey replies "a teacher mummy" to which Katie responds "don't be bloody stupid, you can't even control your own fuckin' pupils!"
LMFAO again. ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: GamerMan316 on March 29, 2010, 05:23:28 PM
I'm gonna post the Harvey joke that I ran by Sambo & Tara before Christmas, Sambo said put it in my facebook status, Tara said don't, I did ;D
Katie Price asks Harvey what he wants to be when he's older, Harvey replies "a teacher mummy" to which Katie responds "don't be bloody stupid, you can't even control your own fuckin' pupils!"
Oh snap! harsh! but I still lol'd ;D
Proof men DO remember important dates
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.
Quote from: CRracer_912 on March 31, 2010, 08:34:12 PM
Proof men DO remember important dates
'I would have gotten out today.
Love it!
'You get less for murder' is a very common saying :D
My sent this to me about a week ago... made me chuckle
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Wife Poonage
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
This is a clean joke. I read it oin my friends status made me laugh a lot
The Hogwarts episode of Cribs is the worst. Every room they went in, someone says, "This is where the magic happens." :D
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement;
but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
Quote from: CRracer_912 on June 07, 2010, 05:00:09 PMNagging
That joke did not go the path I expected. I think I've been reading way too many Rex jokes. ;)
At the request of Failed, this is almost as funny as Liverpool not qualifying for the Champions League.
3DS visuals close to PS3 & 360 (http://www.computerandvideogames.com/article.php?id=249714)
bloody hilarious ;D
Quote from: nCogNeato on June 07, 2010, 05:18:18 PM
Quote from: CRracer_912 on June 07, 2010, 05:00:09 PMNagging
That joke did not go the path I expected. I think I've been reading way too many Rex jokes. ;)
Just the way we like em! DIRTY!! ;D
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Short and Sweet
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?" and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."
Mate sent this to me:
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
Quote from: Astrex on June 14, 2010, 02:58:19 PM
Mate sent this to me:
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
Very old joke, still good though :)
Check it I'm on a roll I really lol'd out in the office when I found this one:
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
Q: What do you say to a man stealing a gate?
A: Nothing at all,as he will take a offense.
Quote from: Astrex on June 14, 2010, 02:50:42 PM
Short and Sweet
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
LMAO
Quote from: TaraJayne on June 15, 2010, 09:34:59 AM
Quote from: Astrex on June 14, 2010, 02:50:42 PM
Short and Sweet
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
LMAO
My favorite. Jokes without a
hitting punchline really stick in my brain and make me giggle all day. :D
Woman comes home from a hard day at work,
Takes off her coat and goes to hang it up, But spot's her husband in the chair in a bad mood.
"Put your coat back on" he says, "we are going for a walk",
"Do we have to?" She replies, " I'm really tired, And don't want to go for a walk"
"Well if we don't go for a walk, You either suck my cock or take it up the arse" he demands,
" O.K, I'll suck your cock" she Say's grudgingly.
So she get's on her knees, takes out his cock and is about to suck, Then stops.
" Your cock smells like dog sh*t" she say's,
" I know" replies the husband, " The Dog would not go for a walk either"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
ewwww
I sent puns to 10 of my friends, hoping at least one would get a laugh, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Quote from: Failed on July 27, 2010, 10:04:57 AM
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
lol
Quote from: Autarch Kade on July 27, 2010, 08:29:45 AM
I sent puns to 10 of my friends, hoping at least one would get a laugh, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
:D
There are only 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
/old joke but still makes me laugh
Iron Man is a superhero
Iron Woman is a command......
Quote from: Kyuubi on July 27, 2010, 08:09:54 PM
Iron Man is a superhero
Iron Woman is a command......
lol
Since TJ isn't here at the moment, I'll be offended by that on her behalf. :D
luckily men don't iron, are creased clothes in style ?!
A chilean miner make love to his wife for the first time since his release'
"Can we switch the lights off?" he asks.
"Of course honey." she replies.
"Can I take you from behind?"
"Anything you want my brave boy."
"OK, can I call you Pedro?"
A husband gets a new computer,
at the start up screen he is asked to enter a new password
So he proceeds to type in MYPENIS
His onlooking wife falls around the floor laughing when
the computer states the password is not long enough.
three nuns are killed in a car crash, when they get to heaven, st peter says, in order to enter heaven you must each answer a question, so the first nun goes to st peter who asks, what was the name of the first woman, the nun replys-eve, so st peter lets her in, the second nun goes to st peter, who asks, where did adam and eve live, she replies-the garden of eden,st peter lets her in, the third nun, who's mother superior, goes to st peter, who says, being mother superior your question needs to be really hard, he asks her, when eve saw adam naked for the first time, what did she say, mother superior says, blimey, that is really hard, st peter says-yep your in !!!!
what do accountants doe when theyre constipated ???
work it out with a pencil
Quote from: fizz on February 06, 2011, 09:53:56 PM
what do accountants doe when theyre constipated ???
work it out with a pencil
uhhhhhhhh ewwwwwwwwwwwa grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Excuse me!!!!
We don't use pencils anymore, and an excel spreadsheet just doesn't have the same affect!!! ;D
sorry, found it online, couldnt resist :-*
Correct Grammar
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse", and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".
;D
Knikki and his upmarket jokes!! I approve
Just heard this one:
Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
:)
>_< that's awesome!
Love the first two pretty much because they are true! ;D
awesome, frankie boyle is my hero, we were all thinking it, im crying with laughter
Joke of the day
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
I hope not to offend anyone with my jokes it's all in fun....
ha brilliant, dont think anyone will find them offensive, jokes are meant to be taken lightly, xx
That was great. Dirty humor is best when it's subtle. ;)
??? "no roach for you for a month?"...alright heres my cheesy one ;D
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
*yawn* that's a terrible punt at sexism
I don't think I'll ever understand women...
They keep going on about how good their women's intuition is and then spend half their life moaning they always pick the wrong blokes!
not me, i picked the right one x
Quote from: HurricanE 184 on February 11, 2011, 08:51:03 PM
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Cheese indeed! #)
Quote from: nCogNeato on February 14, 2011, 03:57:48 PM
Quote from: HurricanE 184 on February 11, 2011, 08:51:03 PM
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Cheese indeed! #)
I tried to warn you.
Comebacks to Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter Men Are Like...
Random Jokes:
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Man
Q & A
Grandma's Letter
Quote from: fizz on February 15, 2011, 06:44:12 PM
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
When If I was a girl, I would totally use those. :D :D :D
A somewhat connected anecdote here, if not exactly a joke.
I once had a gal-friend who was not at all into music, so she wouldn't be likely to recognize lyrics if she saw them. Anywho, we used to chat a bunch online, AOL Instant Messenger style. Now, as all ladies love to do at some point or another, occassionally her conversations turned to really annoying and uncomfortible topics. You know those conversations, the ones that start with "I want to talk about US", and end with her nagging and harping at you. Yeah, those.
After a time, whenever I sensed our conversations leading into those lines of topics I would start chatting in nothing but the lyrics to a random song. My favorites were Duran Duran songs.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about something..."
"What's up?"
"I want to talk about us."
...
"Dark in the city, night is a wire."
"Last week you said that you never saw yourself getting married. Why not?"
"Steam in the subway, earth is afire."
"What do you mean?"
"What does the subway have to do with marriage?"
"Woman you want me, give me a sign. And catch my breathing even closer behind."
"I don't..."
"In touch with the ground. I'm on the hunt, I'm after you."
"Does this mean you want me to listen more?"
"Smell like a sound. I'm lost in a crowd, and I'm hungry like the wolf."
"Is this some kind of code?"
LOL. ;D
roffle
lmfao Shakes.
I used to torment one of my old highschool girlfriends on IM with Clutch lyrics. In hindsight, that may have contributed to our breakup. :D
It is a wonder we are still single.
lol x
Quote from: nCogNeato on February 17, 2011, 06:16:38 PM
Quote from: Handshakes on February 17, 2011, 01:07:12 AM
It is a wonder we are still single.
We're a catch.
(http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs462.snc4/50236_2244869223_5747225_n.jpg)
Fixed.
Quote from: sambo on February 17, 2011, 07:04:48 PM
Quote from: nCogNeato on February 17, 2011, 06:16:38 PM
Quote from: Handshakes on February 17, 2011, 01:07:12 AM
It is a wonder we are still single.
We're a catch.
(http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/hs462.snc4/50236_2244869223_5747225_n.jpg)
Fixed.
Stop facebook stalking me and Shakes. >:(
Question is which is which?
I reckon its Neato with the thumbs up :P
More importantly are they Siamese twins?
if they are, they're joined at the bum
Like CatDog ;D
Quote from: Windedprism on April 29, 2011, 05:43:33 PM
Question is which is which?
I reckon its Neato with the thumbs up :P
No way. Shakes' trademark double-thumb can be imitated, never duplicated.
Quote from: ASYLUM NINJA on April 29, 2011, 05:51:09 PM
More importantly are they Siamese twins?
We are. Not that we're physically connected to eachother. We were simply born in Thailand.
Quote from: nCogNeato on April 29, 2011, 07:10:19 PM
Quote from: ASYLUM NINJA on April 29, 2011, 05:51:09 PM
More importantly are they Siamese twins?
We are. Not that we're physically connected to eachother. We were simply born in Thailand.
Ba Dum Dum Cha!!!
Kid walk into his dads room and see his mom and dad haveing sex. Dad yells "get the **** out" and the kid runs out the room. After the dad is done he go down stairs to find his son to say that he is sry for yelling and to explain what was going on in the room. Dad finds his son with his grandmom on the couch haveing sex. The dad yells "what the **** is going on!" the son saids" it's not so funny when it's your mom is it?"
I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.
when girls dont put out
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her...
WIFE
Washing
Ironing
F**king
Etc.
what do you do if the dishwasher stops working??
slap her an tell her to get back to work
:o ??? :) ;D ??? :-\ :-[
Chicks, man. AMIRITE?
Earth women #)
Am I right, fellow male humanoids?
5 thing a man needs in a woman to have a happy life
‎1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Fist bump. Explode it.
I've just started a new business in Afghanistan making IEDs that look like prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof
Quote from: GrumpyD on July 26, 2011, 02:52:04 PM
I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.
LOL ;D
You guys are messed up. ;D
Quote from: GrumpyD on July 29, 2011, 10:41:02 AM
I've just started a new business in Afghanistan making IEDs that look like prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof
LOL Thats very funny
As my boyfriend through the door I thought to myself, "Fucking hell, that was one hell of a power wank."
Dear santa,
Dont bother coming this year, I've got loads of stuff already,
Delroy aged 8 tottenham
The Disney Channel passed on my show about a group of 8 year old boys on bicycles solving mysteries.
That sounds great. I wonder why they passed. What's it called?
"The Pedal Files".
Not really a joke but I didn't know where else to put em!!
Some Aussie Sayings !!
Dry as a dead dingo's donger
Busier than a one armed Sydney cab driver with the crabs.
I'm not pissing in your pocket mate!
Drier than a nuns nasty.
He had a head on him like a sucked mango.
One foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin.
May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.
Dig a hole and bury me, it just doesn't get better than this!
He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock.
(insultingly) Ankles. (three feet lower than a c*nt or the only thing seen out of the boss's arse - a suckup)
So unlucky that if it were raining virgins he would be struck in the head by a poof.
He's just a two-bob drongo!
Ya bloody galah!
Go pull a cow's c*nt over your head and get a bull to f*ck some sense into you.
wow!!
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine..
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off the car
What do you get if you cross a railway with a fridge?
Killed.
One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"