Author Topic: Battle of the Sexes  (Read 728 times)

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Offline GhostWolf

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Battle of the Sexes
« on: February 06, 2011, 10:55:02 PM »
Just some food for thought....


Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
Bathrooms
Related Image

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Offline dfusioness

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2011, 09:43:47 AM »
Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Men

1. Eating chocolate is always an orgasmic experience.
2. Chocolate is dark, rich, and satisfying.
3. Chocolate is mentally stimulating.
4. Chocolate always smells good.
5. Chocolate doesn't complain when you want to cuddle up with it.
6. Chocolate doesn't care how many pieces you've eaten before.
7. You can suck on a piece of chocolate for a really long time.
8. Your friends always like chocolate.
9. Chocolate never leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
10. You always know if someone else has eaten any of your chocolate.
11. One taste and you can't help but want more.
12. Chocolate doesn't just think it's smooth.
13. You're never disappointed when you open the wrapper.
14. Chocolate satisfies every time.
15. When chocolate melts in your mouth it tastes good.
16. You can tell just by looking at it, that it's not been in someone else' mouth.
17. It doesn't sulk if you don't want it first thing in the morning.
18. If it gets soft, a few seconds in the refridgerator will make it hard again.
19. Chocolate knows how to be chocolate, you don't have to teach it.
20. You can read the label and know what it's made of.
21. Chocolate always hits the spot.
22. If you love me, you'll swallow that" gives real meaning when it comes
     to chocolate.
23. Size really doesn't matter.

 



Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 10:14:18 AM »
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

So true!   :D


Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Crak prefers to kick them while they ARE looking.   ;)


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

lmao  :D :D

Offline GamerMan316

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2011, 10:40:05 AM »
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

So true!   :D


Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Crak prefers to kick them while they ARE looking.   ;)


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

lmao  :D :D


Yep, seeing the panic in their eyes makes it more worthwhile   ;D


Offline GhostWolf

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2011, 01:26:09 PM »
His Road Trip Vs Her Road Trip

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-11.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19. Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost.


This is why God invented the GPS, course the GPS I have is a female voice and the other day when I asked her directions she said I give up Jarrod.....
« Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 02:47:33 PM by nCogNeato »

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2011, 02:50:38 PM »
Wolf, I've merged the 2 topics into 1 general 'Battle of the Sexes' topic.  This will give the girls a place to tell boys they stink, and in return the boys can fart in protest.    ;)

Offline sambo

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2011, 06:07:33 AM »
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Offline GhostWolf

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2011, 08:57:37 AM »
Nice lists gang keep em coming.... 8) and remember it's all in fun after all what would we do without our wonderful ladies to keep us in line...


and thanks ncogneato for merging these great idea!


Offline knikki91

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2011, 09:21:56 AM »

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Battle of the Sexes
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2011, 09:38:04 AM »
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

... You know stuff about tanks.

That made me giggle.

 

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