Author Topic: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating  (Read 3485 times)

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Offline Handshakes

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Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« on: June 04, 2012, 07:44:12 PM »
I did it. In a fit of desperate loneliness I recently rejoined the shamed ranks of online daters.

I had used online dating in the past and received mixed success, so on a whim I figured that, at approximately two years since my last romantic encounter, now was a good time to give it another try. I've got everything I need: A profile at a popular (free) dating website, sexy pics, and a charmingly quirky introductory paragraph.

Now all that is left is to send out some messages that indicate my interest to the lady types and go from there... Which brings me to the point of this topic:

I can't turn off my inner internet idiot when writing notes to attractive women! You all know my sense of humor, so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The "Cowboy's Butts Drive Me Nuts" thing doesn't fly when you are trying to impress a ladyfolk, and as much as I realize that fact I still can't help but go with the cheap joke.

And so, for your viewing pleasure, I am going to chronicle my efforts to find love and acceptance while using some of the most absurd pick up lines you will have ever read. Every one of these messages will be real and mostly unedited. Blue denotes that the message is coming from me while red will denote the chick's reply, if indeed she even bothers to do so.

First, a quick note on my process: Just like if I wasn't an idiot when writing these things, I like to pick one or two specific things to write about from a chick's profile. In theory, this shows them that I took the time to actually read whatever garbage they wrote about themselves and am not just trying to ask for quick and dirty sexytime after seeing their picture. However, unlike a normal message that might practice this good behavior, my messages quickly get really weird, as you will soon find out.

First up, we have "Kayla". Kayla is an attractive twenty something who is studying to become an ultrasound technician. Immediately after reading that, I knew what I was going to write to her about.

ME:

How goes it, Kayla?

What first got you interested in ultrasound technology? If I was to go into medical imaging, I think I'd go into full body x-ray examination, just for the fun variety of cases that would pop up and the chance to say "you got an entire potato stuck WHERE?!".

Cheers!


That was two weeks ago. No reply yet, but I remain hopeful that I woo'd her with my knowledge of vegetable insertions.

Next up, we have Allison. Allison is an extremely religious, goody two shoes type (which I have nothing against). I was having a hard time finding something to write to her about, when I chanced upon a little section of her profile where she mentions being addicted to movies in a series. Once she sees Harry Potter 1, she can't rest until she has seen Harry Potter 7, or whatever the case. I had my in! She also mentions a love for board games. I can work with that...

ME:

How goes it, Allison?

I see that you enjoy watching movies with sequels, and that once you see the first movie in a series you are compelled to watch the rest. I totally get that! Just last week I saw the film Space Booty Patrol 1, and I just couldn't rest until I finished the series with Space Booty Patrol 6 (even though the series clearly peaked with Space Booty Patrol 3)*.

Cheers! Have a good holiday.

*: I was torn between going with this porn joke or talking about board games. In the interest of sounding like less of a nerd I went with the porn joke. I regret nothing. What do you think: Good or bad call on that one?**

**: Who are we kidding? You loved it!


Yet again, no reply yet.

Stay tuned for more as I humiliate myself further!
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Offline BackupLight

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2012, 08:24:17 PM »
Imho the potato humour was killer.

She hasn't replied because she's a) had her computer stolen, b) been kidnapped, c) died.

There's no other explanation man.

Offline Handshakes

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2012, 08:58:18 PM »
Imho the potato humour was killer.

She hasn't replied because she's a) had her computer stolen, b) been kidnapped, c) died.

There's no other explanation man.

I like to think that maybe she got offended because the joke landed a little too close to home. She may have, at the very moment of reading my message, been in an uncomfortable position with a yukon gold.
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Offline Autarch Kade

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2012, 04:25:53 AM »
Clearly we have different taste in women, shakes, as my signature here can attest.
I like my women how I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.

The doctors say his chances are 50/50... but there's only a 10% chance of that.

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2012, 12:56:21 PM »
I regret nothing.



I think online dating services are great, considering most of the US population probably spends more time socializing online than actually in person publicly.  A couple friends of mine have even found their current husband/wife through online dating.

Don't worry, Shakes.  Just keep casting that weird net and I'm sure you'll catch a freak fish that loves you in all your cowboy butt glory.

Offline Handshakes

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2012, 07:02:13 PM »
Something different for today.

Today we have Nicole. Nicole is one of those new age hippy types. She even claims to work at a "world peace" organization, which I'm guessing means McDonalds. Still, she's nerdy, hot, and receptive. Additionally, this time she actually messaged me first! Yup, she came to me primed and ready. Let's see how I handle it.

HER:

awesome main profile pic, well written and witty profile :).

ME:

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

How goes that whole world peace thing? I worked at a world peace joint once, but they weren't ready for my groundbreaking giant robot army ideas.

The fools... They laughed at me then, but we'll see who is the one laughing when they are face to eye with a giant robot eye-spider! With lasers!


No reply...

One more:

This is Gabby. Gabby has a heart of gold, and she helps her mother take care of her disabled sister. She is good people. Naturally, I don't focus on that. Instead, what I focus in on is where she admits to secretly writing "extremely adult fiction" that none of her close friends or family know about.

ME:

Hey, how goes it? I, too, write extremely adult fiction. For my part, I've been writing a six-part epic My Little Pony slashfiction. I've been mailing each new chapter to the show writers, along with toenail clippings and various parts of dead birds that I find, in order to show them my appreciation for their craft. So far I've received only legal threats in reply, but I think that I'm slowly winning them over. We should compare notes some time!


Sadly, there would be no note comparing.
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Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2012, 10:26:43 AM »
HAHAHA

In semi-seriousness, you should contact ms. 'world peace' in a few days if she hasn't responded.  Ask her out for some onion root smoothies or whatever those people are into.

Offline zerosum

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2012, 02:24:49 PM »
HAHAHA

In semi-full seriousness, you should contact ms. 'world peace' in a few days if she hasn't responded.  Ask her out for some "bath salts" onion root smoothies or whatever those people are into.


 ;)

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2012, 02:30:02 PM »
Thanks, Zero.  You always got my back.   ;)

Offline Failed

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2012, 06:59:19 AM »
i'd marry you shakes but the commute would kill our love, perhaps i'll just admire you from afar (through my telescope)

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2012, 09:09:17 AM »
LULZ

Offline Handshakes

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2012, 07:22:38 PM »
i'd marry you shakes but the commute would kill our love, perhaps i'll just admire you from afar (through my telescope)

That might be the best offer I've had so far. If I come to Britland will you be my sugar daddy and take care of me? I make a great (naughty) housekeeper.
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Offline Failed

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2012, 10:16:09 AM »
i'd better get pinny shopping then

Offline MacheteMable

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2012, 03:09:55 PM »
Can i be the ring bearer?  ;D


Offline Jaynestown

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Re: Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2012, 01:48:45 PM »
This is without doubt the strangest thread I have ever seen on here!


Thank god for the new Tomb Raider, helped me de-stress after a tough week! More of the same please

 

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