Shakezy's (mis)Adventures in Online Dating

Handshakes · June 10, 2012, 06:12:12 PM

Quote from: Jaynestown on June 10, 2012, 05:48:45 PM
This is without doubt the strangest thread I have ever seen on here!

Mission Accomplished!

zerosum · June 21, 2012, 07:40:44 AM

I trust 'Shakes will navigate his way without too much collateral damage, as long as he remembers to wear protection at all times...

[spoiler=In case of emergency, click "Spoiler"]

....especially in the land of Failed.[/spoiler]

Quote from: nCogNeato on June 07, 2012, 06:30:02 PM
Thanks, Zero. You always got my back.

Handshakes · June 23, 2012, 04:03:24 AM

Next up, Tracey! Traceyis an anime nerd girl whose profile screams ADHD. She wanders from one topic to another, making it hard for me to single out a detail to write to her about. Eventually, however, I settle on a simple line: "I love robots". She also mentions that she likes the game Blazblue and the cartoon Sailor Moon.

ME:

Heya Tracey, how goes it?

I see that you are into robots. Me too! In fact, I'm so into robots that I've been banned from setting foot into the Hoover Vacuum store ever again. I hear you say, "was that a weird sex vacuum joke? How bold!". Why yes, yes it was a weird sex vacuum joke! And stop talking into your monitor, nobody can hear you. Instead you should totally message me back to tell me how much you admire my sex vacuum jokes. Other topics may include: "Just what the hell is 'bubble tea' anyway?"; "Why did they make Carl so useless in Blazblue?"; Or, my favorite, "Seriously? Sailor Moon?".

Cheers!

A reply? Whaaaaaaa?

HER:

Hello i'm good, you?

Robots are pretty cool, how did that happen?

Its pretty funny, when ever I talk to one of my best friends online and if they were eating it was always a must to tell them to email me what they were eating and when they said they cant I always refer then to stuff food in their pc's disk drive xD because i'm weird like that. Bubble tea is a Asian drink that can come in many flavors and they have this little bubble jell type thing at the bottom of the cup. I think because they already had someone so epic that they needed someone useless to throw it. Sailor moon is amazing but I have a huge thing of magical girls and I grew up watching it xD

Awful grammar and sentence structure aside, she actually answered all of my dumb questions (even though it seems like she didn't understand the vacuum joke). What should I do next?

ME:

I'm grand, thanks.

I like your story about the food in the cd drive. I actually stuff food into my computer's dvd drive on a fortnightly basis. You see, my computer became sentient about a year ago. Naturally, at first I was excited by this miraculous event, but it soon became clear that something was wrong with my conscious computer: It turns out that my computer is possessed by evil spirits. My computer now demands a ritual sacrifice and food (and of course I obey out of fear and awe). And by food I mean human flesh. Usually I get it from a dead hooker, but occasionally a hobo will find his way in there.

The worst part is the candles. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find 5 black candles to form a pentagram (inside of which I slaughter the impure to be fed to my computer god)? Luckily, my computer master isn't too picky and I've resorted to using scented yankee candles on occasion (the demon computer's favorite is pumpkin spice).

So, what about you? Do you have an evil computer overlord that demands ritual blood sacrifices?

Response pending...

Jaynestown · June 23, 2012, 08:01:09 AM

Quote from: Handshakes on June 23, 2012, 04:03:24 AM
Response pending...

Crikey, if she responds to that I think you should marry her!!!

Failed · June 23, 2012, 10:20:34 AM

i think you may have gone overboard shakes, mentioning ritual scrifice after only your 2nd date/message is a given no-no.

i think you should ask if she had to have one thing replaced by robotics what it would be?

Handshakes · June 23, 2012, 02:00:37 PM

Quote from: Failed on June 23, 2012, 10:20:34 AM
i think you may have gone overboard shakes, mentioning ritual scrifice after only your 2nd date/message is a given no-no.

i think you should ask if she had to have one thing replaced by robotics what it would be?

Damn, you're right. I wish I was as suave as you, Failed.

Dantespaw · June 23, 2012, 04:58:18 PM

Ahh internet dating. I would say that this thread is strange, but after being underway on submarines for so many years, nothing really surprises me anymore lol. On a serious note, I met my wife online and years later things are still great. Good luck!

nCogNeato · June 26, 2012, 03:22:56 PM

Quote from: Jaynestown on June 23, 2012, 08:01:09 AM
Quote from: Handshakes on June 23, 2012, 04:03:24 AM
Response pending...

Crikey, if she responds to that I think you should marry her!!!

Agreed. lol

Windedprism · June 26, 2012, 04:27:43 PM

I think Shakes has a checklist that he's sticking to here, good on ya it's great reading

After all is said and done by years end we could have the definitive guide to online dating penned by the Shakemeister, hell gimme 2 copies:)

zerosum · June 26, 2012, 05:40:53 PM

Quote from: Windedprism on June 26, 2012, 04:27:43 PM
I think Shakes has a checklist that he's sticking to here, good on ya it's great reading
After all is said and done by years end we could have the definitive guide to online dating penned by the Shakemeister, hell gimme 2 copies:)

Ahh...just a thought, title for said guide: "'Shakes' Spear In Love..."

Read into that what you will...

Windedprism · June 26, 2012, 10:12:07 PM

lol ''shakes' spear potentially in love''

Handshakes · June 30, 2012, 09:19:37 PM

Let's get to this quick, shall we?

The target: Mellissa.
The attribute: "I like to hang out with my dogs" (speaking of her two pugs).

ME:

Greetings Melissa, how goes it?

When you say you like to chill with your dogs, do you mean canine dogs or dogs of the d-o-double-g variety? For I too have been known to chill with my doggs on many a splendid occasion, and I always am sure to pour a little out for my fallen comrades. Indeed, I have even spent more than my share of time hitting a lick on some bricks and then going ham on it.*

(See what I did there? Mixing in proper English with the urban slang? Genius.)

Ciao!

*P.S.: I have no idea precisely what it is that I just wrote. I can only hope that reading it was as uncomfortable for you as writing it was for me.

HER:

canine dogs (pugs).

ME:

Oh. Well... Alright then.

HER:

yea

ME:

I mean, I gave you an entire postscript. A postscript! All I get is three words, one of which is a parenthetical?

How about some applause for my generous wordsmithing? It deserves a polite golf clap, at the least.

HER:

*golf claps* that better?

ME:

Why yes, yes it is.

By the bye, pugs are pretty much universally acknowledged to be the lamest dogs ever. So there.

Windedprism · June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM

I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not

Handshakes · July 02, 2012, 12:58:20 AM

Quote from: Windedprism on June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not

I may have had her up until the point where I called her dogs stupid.

zerosum · July 02, 2012, 03:25:16 AM

Quote from: Handshakes on July 02, 2012, 12:58:20 AM
Quote from: Windedprism on June 30, 2012, 09:41:00 PM
I think you were on to something there since she responded with some sarcasm, or maybe not

I may have had her up until the point where I called her dogs stupid.

In all fairness, you called her dogs "lame" not "stupid" - there's a difference.

She shouldn't have been so butt-hurt over it....