Author Topic: The Jokes Thread  (Read 7769 times)

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Offline GamerMan316

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The Jokes Thread
« on: December 08, 2009, 03:09:38 PM »
As some of you may be aware, i'm always putting random jokes in my facebook status, as is Tara, so i thought why not create a thread for us all to post our favourite jokes, videos, quotes etc and maybe the not so funny ones  :)

i'll post a few silly ones to get us going, you've probably heard them before, but here goes



A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim...'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the f**k out of here!



An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.



Offline xnightcrawlerxx

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2009, 05:25:13 AM »
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."


Offline GamerMan316

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2009, 06:19:05 AM »
nice  ;D


Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2010, 05:20:25 PM »

Offline CRracer_912

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The Redneck Love Poem
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2010, 05:31:17 PM »
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, 'There's trouble still.'

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to pappy.

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2010, 10:28:35 PM »
 :D

Great reads.  Both surprised me.


Offline Failed

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2010, 05:11:57 AM »
i liked the top one about the ladle.

Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2010, 01:42:11 PM »
yeah, everyone likes a good ladle joke.

Offline TaraJayne

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2010, 02:30:39 PM »
Oh racer your funny. I love your jokes :D
Can't wait for Shenmue 3



I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 09:25:06 AM »
Danka!  :-*

Offline CRracer_912

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Ship wrecked
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2010, 09:46:26 AM »
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
 on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank!

 He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
 only bananas and coconuts.

 After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
 gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he  asks
 her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

 She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here  when
 my cruise ship sank."

 "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up  with you."

 "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I  found
 on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
 bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 "But, where did you get the tools?"

 "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
 island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
 fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,ductile iron.
 I used that for tools and used the tools to make  the hardware." The guy is stunned.

 "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
 docks the boat at a small wharf.

 As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him  is a
 stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.  While
 the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man  can
 only stare ahead, dumb struck.

 As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you,"
 he says, still dazed.

 "Can't take any more coconut juice."

 "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
 Pina Colada?"

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit  down
 on her couch to talk.

 After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going  to
 slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
 shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

 No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
 the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
 hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
 "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
 When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
 strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias.
 She beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins
 suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really
 long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
 like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these  months?"
 She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
 He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to
 form in his eyes, and says,

 "You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2010, 10:15:43 AM »
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 

Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2010, 10:19:25 AM »
I'll be the stamp collector!

Offline Kyuubi

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2010, 03:42:05 PM »
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake........

Offline Symmo

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2010, 04:57:24 PM »
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake........

short & sweet, I like!

 

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