Author Topic: The Jokes Thread  (Read 7778 times)

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Offline TaraJayne

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2010, 05:29:30 AM »
How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake........

Awesome!!

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absoute mystery as to why though?

The plot thickens... 
Can't wait for Shenmue 3



I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2010, 05:57:55 AM »
Whats the diff between your wife and your job?

After 10 years your job still sucks

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #17 on: March 10, 2010, 05:58:46 AM »

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute

Offline Kyuubi

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2010, 03:37:30 PM »
When I was a kid use used to really look up to my dad, he was a boxer.

Mum was an border collie.

 ;D



Offline GamerMan316

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #19 on: March 10, 2010, 03:56:42 PM »
An old joke for you and one I used in my facebook status a while back  :)


A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."


Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2010, 04:00:19 PM »
When I was a kid use used to really look up to my dad, he was a boxer.

Mum was an border collie.

 ;D




your parents sound like a couple of real dogs!

Offline Failed

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2010, 07:09:22 PM »
An old joke for you and one I used in my facebook status a while back  :)


A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

the classics are the best!

Offline CRracer_912

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The Love Dress
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2010, 03:42:47 PM »
A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

    She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
    She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

    "What are you doing?!" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.


    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
    she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

    The mother-in-law left.

    When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

    Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she whispered
    sensually.

    "Needs ironing," he said.



    "What's for dinner?



Offline CRracer_912

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Never question a drunk
« Reply #23 on: March 11, 2010, 03:44:41 PM »
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single...'
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could
have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly. '

Offline CRracer_912

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English Hospitality
« Reply #24 on: March 11, 2010, 03:50:06 PM »
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London policeman, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir," the policeman replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'." 
 
 
 

Offline CRracer_912

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Monkey Business
« Reply #25 on: March 11, 2010, 03:53:11 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the pool balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?''No, what?''He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!''Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?''No, what?' replied the man.'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

DFUSIONITE

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2010, 09:58:56 AM »
Who was the biggest slut in history?

Ms. Pac Man. For 10p that bitch swallowed balls until she died!

 :D

Offline Failed

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #27 on: March 26, 2010, 10:03:10 AM »
wehay!!! jokes straight from the 80's

Offline Kyuubi

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #28 on: March 27, 2010, 10:00:56 AM »
A G B N

That's bang out of order.....

Offline GamerMan316

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #29 on: March 27, 2010, 10:02:47 AM »
A G B N

That's bang out of order.....

had that as my facebook status ages ago, love it  ;D


 

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