Author Topic: The Jokes Thread  (Read 7781 times)

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Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2010, 01:42:43 PM »
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Offline CRracer_912

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #31 on: March 29, 2010, 09:59:55 AM »
That guy ain't gettin' any tonight!  ;D

Offline sambo

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #32 on: March 29, 2010, 01:17:31 PM »
Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon.

Offline sambo

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #33 on: March 29, 2010, 01:19:11 PM »
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Offline GamerMan316

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2010, 01:23:28 PM »
I'm gonna post the Harvey joke that I ran by Sambo & Tara before Christmas, Sambo said put it in my facebook status, Tara said don't, I did  ;D

Katie Price asks Harvey what he wants to be when he's older, Harvey replies "a teacher mummy" to which Katie responds "don't be bloody stupid, you can't even control your own fuckin' pupils!"


Offline sambo

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #35 on: March 29, 2010, 01:33:59 PM »
LMFAO again. ;D ;D ;D

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #36 on: March 30, 2010, 03:58:01 AM »
I'm gonna post the Harvey joke that I ran by Sambo & Tara before Christmas, Sambo said put it in my facebook status, Tara said don't, I did  ;D

Katie Price asks Harvey what he wants to be when he's older, Harvey replies "a teacher mummy" to which Katie responds "don't be bloody stupid, you can't even control your own fuckin' pupils!"

Oh snap! harsh! but I still lol'd  ;D

Offline CRracer_912

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Proof men do remember important dates
« Reply #37 on: March 31, 2010, 04:34:12 PM »
Proof men DO remember important dates

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.

Astrex

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Re: Proof men do remember important dates
« Reply #38 on: April 01, 2010, 04:02:23 AM »
Proof men DO remember important dates

 'I would have gotten out today.

Love it!

Offline Failed

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #39 on: April 01, 2010, 01:34:27 PM »
'You get less for murder' is a very common saying :D

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #40 on: April 02, 2010, 08:29:58 AM »
My sent this to me about a week ago... made me chuckle

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Astrex

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #41 on: April 02, 2010, 08:30:56 AM »
Wife Poonage

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."


Offline TaraJayne

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #42 on: June 07, 2010, 09:10:40 AM »
This is a clean joke. I read it oin my friends status made me laugh a lot

The Hogwarts episode of Cribs is the worst. Every room they went in, someone says, "This is where the magic happens."  :D
Can't wait for Shenmue 3



I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

Offline nCogNeato

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Re: The Jokes Thread
« Reply #43 on: June 07, 2010, 10:03:00 AM »

Offline CRracer_912

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Nagging
« Reply #44 on: June 07, 2010, 01:00:09 PM »
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
 
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
 
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
 
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement;
but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
 
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
 
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
 
And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

 

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