The Jokes Thread

[Failed]

 

Knikki and his upmarket jokes!! I approve

[GamerMan316]

Just heard this one:

Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

[Failed]

>_< that's awesome!

[GamerMan316]

Love the first two pretty much because they are true!   

[dfusioness]

awesome, frankie boyle is my hero, we were all thinking it, im crying with laughter

[GhostWolf]

Joke of the day

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

I hope not to offend anyone with my jokes it's all in fun....

[dfusioness]

ha brilliant, dont think anyone will find them offensive, jokes are meant to be taken lightly,  xx

[nCogNeato]

That was great.  Dirty humor is best when it's subtle.   

[HurricanE 184]

  "no roach for you for a month?"...alright heres my cheesy one 

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

[dfusioness]

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[Failed]

*yawn* that's a terrible punt at sexism

I don't think I'll ever understand women...
They keep going on about how good their women's intuition is and then spend half their life moaning they always pick the wrong blokes! 

[dfusioness]

not me, i picked the right one x

[nCogNeato]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

Cheese indeed!   

[HurricanE 184]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

Cheese indeed!   

I tried to warn you.

[dfusioness]

Comebacks to Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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