The Jokes Thread

[GamerMan316]

As some of you may be aware, i'm always putting random jokes in my facebook status, as is Tara, so i thought why not create a thread for us all to post our favourite jokes, videos, quotes etc and maybe the not so funny ones 

i'll post a few silly ones to get us going, you've probably heard them before, but here goes



A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim...'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the f**k out of here!



An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[xnightcrawlerxx]

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

[GamerMan316]

nice 

[CRracer_912]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.  Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious..

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying that you 'didn't' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer and I'm not saying that you 'don't' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

[CRracer_912]

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, 'There's trouble still.'

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to pappy.

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)

[nCogNeato]

 

Great reads.  Both surprised me.

[Failed]

i liked the top one about the ladle.

[CRracer_912]

yeah, everyone likes a good ladle joke.

[TaraJayne]

Oh racer your funny. I love your jokes

[CRracer_912]

Danka! 

[CRracer_912]

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he  asks
her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here  when
my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up  with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I  found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make  the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him  is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.  While
the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man  can
only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you,"
he says, still dazed.

"Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit  down
on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going  to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really
long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these  months?"
She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to
form in his eyes, and says,

"You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"

[Astrex]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[CRracer_912]

I'll be the stamp collector!

[Kyuubi]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake........

[Symmo]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake........

short & sweet, I like!