The Jokes Thread

[nCogNeato]

Question is which is which?
I reckon its Neato with the thumbs up

No way.  Shakes' trademark double-thumb can be imitated, never duplicated.

More importantly are they Siamese twins?

We are.  Not that we're physically connected to eachother.  We were simply born in Thailand.

[ASYLUM NINJA]

More importantly are they Siamese twins?

We are.  Not that we're physically connected to eachother.  We were simply born in Thailand.

Ba Dum Dum Cha!!!

[GrumpyD]

Kid walk into his dads room and see his mom and dad haveing sex. Dad yells "get the **** out" and the kid runs out the room. After the dad is done he go down stairs to find his son to say that he is sry for yelling and to explain what was going on in the room. Dad finds his son with his grandmom on the couch haveing sex. The dad yells "what the **** is going on!" the son saids" it's not so funny when it's your mom is it?"


I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.

[GrumpyD]

when girls dont put out

When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her...

[GrumpyD]

WIFE

Washing
Ironing
F**king
Etc.


what do you do if the dishwasher stops working??

slap her an tell her to get back to work

[nCogNeato]

 

[Handshakes]

Chicks, man. AMIRITE?

[nCogNeato]

Earth women   

Am I right, fellow male humanoids?

[CRracer_912]

5 thing a man needs in a woman to have a happy life

‎1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Handshakes]

Fist bump. Explode it.

[GrumpyD]

I've just started a new business in Afghanistan making IEDs that look like prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

[sambo]

I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.

LOL

[nCogNeato]

You guys are messed up.   

[TaraJayne]

I've just started a new business in Afghanistan making IEDs that look like prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

LOL Thats very funny

[TaraJayne]

As my boyfriend  through the door I thought to myself, "Fucking hell, that was one hell of a power wank."